It's nights like these the sad songs don't help

i don't know which way to run...

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 02:56:51 GMT

i moved back home,
well, not quite home,
but into my grandma's house.
i had to go back to square one.
i have to restart my life.
that city has sucked out the
better half of my soul ...
i don't plan to go back for a very
long time.

but i can't help but feel like i failed
and now i'm running home to hide.
i've caught myself wanting to scream
in frustration at least 5 times today.

i'm already plotting my next escape.
the destination is still unknown,
i honestly don't care.
i just want to throw myself into
anonymity. start over fresh in a new place,
with new people ...on my own completely, for once.
but i have to go soon ...i'm too scared
to sit still for too long.

see you on the west coast.

there are certain things i promised not to let you know.

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 04:59:59 GMT

moving up hill.
functioning at a higher level.
laughing whole-heartedly for the
first time in months.
feeling secure.
feeling productive.

after the fire of feburary 3rd, 2007... the roomies and I were finally able to move back into our home this past Friday. We were homeless for an entire month, and it was hell. Living out of our cars, sleeping on random couches ...driving back and forth between ATL and Gwinnett. But afterall, our power is on, our heat works ... and despite the major hole in our living room wall and ceiling, we have our home back. I missed it. I missed my "family". For once I feel comfortable, I don't have the urge to run, I don't feel trapped. It's H O M E.

I'm finally healing from the loss of one of the very best friends I've ever known. And even though our friendship developed in a short span of 6 months ... they were some of the best months of my life. Memories I will cherish forever ...a bond I will dearly miss but will be eternally grateful for.

I love my job... Hard Rock is my second home, everyone there feels like family, a second support group, I love that security. I love being good at my job and feeling the appreciation, I love that they named me Empolyee of the Month, and after only 6 months of working there ... it's the small things in life.

I'm finally going back to school this coming Fall.
Not to GSU however, but to SCAD Atlanta.
I was accepted Fall 2005 but did not enroll, they did hold my application however, and I plan to
follow through with that now. I'm not sure what my focus will be ... I am leaning toward fashion design, but also seriously considering interior design, either/or ..I'd be content.

This house , I swear, I can't get enough of it. We have five amazing kids living under one roof [five now, due to Britney's boyfriend, Patrick moving in with her]. Five of us, and five dogs.
We adopted two new dogs from the humane society this weekend. A 3 mo. lab/chow puppy named King and a year old american pit bull named Vincent. We now have a farm of 5 dogs ...soon to [possibly] be six: Audio, my chihuahua; Jade, Patrick's german/pit mix; Vincent, Zack's pit; Zoe, Britney's Sharpei, and King, Brit's new mutt puppy. It's chaotic and loud 24/7 but never a dull moment and plenty of love and snuggling to go around. It makes my heart warm.

I'm happy ... for the first time in a while, I can say that in all sincerity.

other-wordly souls with undefinable love.

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 21:27:02 GMT

one deep breath
to flush my thoughts
i want to see my eyes
searching infinite cold dark
i stare back at myself
i stare at nothing. vast nothing.
a heart so worn and cracked
revived one too many times
let it be.
freedom lies in your hands.
embrace. release. bondage. relief.
it was a dream. it was real.
smoke fills. ashes build.
a monument to the lost
a testament to the empty
i dont know where to focus my eyes
or where to place my hands
awkward steps towards unknown futures.
damned to feel and damned to love.
a youth that has grown old too soon.
a life without fear is all i ask
song fuels the beat of my heart
pray the song will last.
i fade in. fade out. in. out.

pirate vs. ninja

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 15:52:46 GMT

her words ...

She Knows

i wanted..

i want..

i watch the way music moves around your hair. i caught the angles of your face..and started to laugh. It's so hard to look at yourself..and really see who you are. A girl, a lost girl, with bright eyes,and a sad smile. The same expression of youth,of life..of longing to be noticed and forgotten at the same time.

i watched my laundry ..and cried over clean towels..they have a purpose..2 sides to dirty..i envy the clean..to spin on cycle ..but come out dry.. my life is wet,and i have no clean towels.

Did i ever listen, will you ever really listen..hearing is perception,words are just words..definitions are not the truth..looking for salvation just makes me want to never be found..i would be a liar if i told you the truth..i am afraid of you .. because i'm still afraid of myself..seeing you confirms that i'm still alive, and no better than i was..it confirms that the world is flat..and it's people are round..it confirms that raw passion never dies,and suicide lingers at the witching hour.. you confirm that i am myself.. my glory is in a box of cereal, but the toy was taken by the earliest rise. I want to kiss myself, and tell you that it never ends, hold on to innocence..to save the youth, one foot stays. Bind to wrap,as unravel to mind. i want to hold you forever, and never let myself go.

These two selves may one day agree

deconstruct a letter and words we may find..truth will hold up when we jump from the end.. take me out in the rain because my life is wet..spin out the cycle to find my clean towels.

and when I wanted to die she said...

UNKNOWN

Razor to Sharpen your thoughts..Pain to feel a heart .. beat to take a dance
Mechanical eyes, sit behind
hollow words
Cut
to the middle
Empty
Space
Feel my fucking love.. touch what is right in front of you
Destroy, on to search
My hands rest in your mind
scared .. found.. lost
take the time to paint a smile.. take the time to look for me
darkness evades.. shadows jump..
Face me.. please
face the truth...

how did it come to this?

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 15:26:06 GMT

i cant even look at you without crying
this hurt is crippling ...

i miss you so fucking much ...
why did you do this?
why the fuck did you do this?
i hate you so much right now
i will always love you.

i will never forget you and the truths
you taught me.

is this the way a toy feels when it's batteries run dry?

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 09:07:50 GMT

fuck you.
fuck you for leaving
fuck you for decieving me
fuck you for lying
fuck you for the hell you've reaped
fuck you for breaking my heart
fuck you for pretending
you and you're fucking twisted intentions

fuck you for give me an ultimatum
fuck you for not understanding
fuck you for being impatient
fuck you for ever befriending me
fuck you for all you took from my soul
fuck you for putting me through this

fuck you for making me feel guilty
fuck you for making me feel sub par
fuck you fuck you.
fuck off

dont ever try again.
forgiveness is impossible.
i hope you're enjoying this devastation.
i hope you fucking ache

i pray to god i forget everything
i ever knew of you.

it's a thin line between snake and friend:

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 08:34:24 GMT

dear ___________,

let me apologize beforehand, because in time i fear you're going to hate me, but i cannot take this living situation anymore. i tried ... and tried and gave too many second chances and accepted too many fallacious apologies ... but this game is getting old and the person i befriended months ago is not the person i share a home with now.

it kills me that you don't even realize how ungrounded you are.
you dont realize how detrimental your actions are to my head and heart.
i don't deserve the way you treat me sometimes ... your kindness is sporatic and rare but im getting used to the constant disappointments.
you don't own up to anything.
i've sat back and taken everything you've thrown at me with a careless laugh and easy smile. but underneath the mask I'm withering and suffering and trying to hard to pretend i'm ok with it all ...like it's no weight on my shoulders ...but it is ... it's crushing.

regardless, my love for you will always be there.
no matter what may come.

im thinking long term now.
i hate the eggshells ...im tired of tip-toeing. i hate the fear. i hate this floating along. it's been a charade. ...deceit.
i've been so hollow.

it's a new year ... and i have big plans for my future..
im going to learn to take care of ME.
i've found a solution
i'm going to learn to love who i am ...
im granting myself the power to change situations that are not advantageous to my happiness and future.
I hope you don't find this selfish.
i've dug deep ... i've found ME...i'm going to beat this.
i live and learn.

i'm sorry.
i do care
you play your cards and i'll play mine... but we are playing two seperate games.
it's time to face the inevitable, you've got alot of growing to do and i cant be there to help you correct your mistakes and guide your path ... i'm still working on my own. your immaturity is overwhelming and you suffocate my bright. .. not that it was too powerful to begin with ... but i have to preserve & nurture what I do have if I ever want it to grow. you don't add anything to aid that. nothing at all.
you're so needy that i waste all my energy trying to satiate and appease you... energy that i should be using on my own well-being ... energy that i need to get better, to get my balance and life back to steady.

this is my last leg. my last chance.
i know you won't understand,
and i know i'll be the enemy but,
ive got something to prove and not long to do so.
it hurts to be honest with the ones that you love...
im going to fix "this",and eventually things will work out for the best for us both... hopefully.

space cadet pull out...

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 21:25:37 GMT

i had everyone i love under one roof and all of us were completely obliterated ... so of course, what else could you possibly do except take photos for myspace?

it's excusable because the memories captured are priceless and I had the best night I've had in as long as I can remember....

♥

come break me down...

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 05:35:16 GMT

SELF-SABOTAGE.
this is me. this is what I do to myself. this is why I am stuck!
...finally a definition.

I sabotage anything that I know I cannot make perfect. If it won't be perfect, I purposely ruin it.
I sabotage relationships when I finally get the person to like me because I fear failure and disappointment.
This is why I am in a chronic state of loneliness.
I've done it to myself.

and when I dig deeper, I realize my self-sabotage all boils down to paranoia.
it's a fear of failure, AND success.

I have no idea why I am like this, but the closest thing I can come up with is that I am:
a) so afraid of failure so I ensure that I will fail, thereby saving myself the anxiety of worrying over whether I will or won't
b) afraid of sucess/actually getting these things done and being forced to move on to the next step.

help.

sing along mockingbird you don't affect me...

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 02:45:58 GMT

I've taken a brief repose from the city and come home.
home is where I can heal and find myself again.
And I have.
I have a few new inspirations and a few new paths I'd like to begin venturing down.
Dr. Lederman has been an angel.
He has helped me come to accept my failures as positive experiences, catalysts for change.
He is helping me learn patience and the art of not giving up just because things do not work out to my standards of perfection.
Slowing down and focusing are my two areas of concentration right now ... small, calculated steps. I've got to tone down my impulsiveness.

I got the long-overdue time to hang with my very best friends and visit with my other family. The ease of mind and comfortability I have when we are together are unparalled. So very theraputic for my heart and head. I know it's selfish but I wish I had "bff time" every day. Carrie I miss us so much. It's so good to have you so close once again. And Kenny ...seeing you, as always, did my heart a world of good. I miss the old days ... but it's good to know we three still have "it". Tres Banditos for life.

-------------------------------------------------------

once tagged by this entry, the assignment's to write a blog entry of some kind with six random facts about you. then, pick six of your friends and tag them; no tag backs. this explanation should be included.

1. i'm going to take a pole dancing class

2. i'm planning to move out of the state in the near future

3. secretly, i think i'd like to be a kindergarten teacher

4. i honestly don't care about politics

5. i love wearing all black

6. i'm living a lifestyle right now that i never saw myself living

TAGGED:
whom ever reads this.

goodbye to sleep.

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 04:49:43 GMT

so she says I am a different one .. someone to confirm she is there and she is real... she says she sees herself in me.
she said she sees music in my hair and angels in my face ...

she said she loves me.
i love her too .. I am just not sure what type of love it is.
somedays it's fierce "dont-want-to-live-without-you love" ... and then I stop and think of how wrong it is ...how severely we clash ...and I start to get scared and balk ... "a fish may love a bird but where would they live?" .... She says I could be "the one" ...to end all. I know how much danger there is in settling ... it's a game of "truth-or-dare" ... If I am true with myself, with what I know as "truth" in my head ... with what I could forsee in my future, I know it's all wrong .. never would be accepted or condoned by my family...friends ... society. I would be happy only if we fled... and how weak is that? Fleeing to a place where no one knows me ... where I could reconstruct my identity ..but that's not love. Love would be sticking it out despite the nay .... showing her that my love is returned unconditionally ... that I am not ashamed. But I am. I am ashamed. I don't know any better.

is this the test?
do i take the dare... I hate that I cannot forsee the outcome of my decisions .... if I'd be truly happy or miserable. ... either way, I am miserable because I want her. I am miserable because I cant find the clear cut answer ... I am miserable because I am confused.

and she scares the hell out of me.
and I am not sure it's even that type of "love" .... or if I am just clinging to her because she is me 3 years from now and I can relate to her in every aspect, and in that I find comfort ..it's so rare for me to have people I am comfortable being myself around ...people who understand me completely without my having to say one word ...

i am too young for all of this.
i didnt ask for any of this.
i don't want to be loved at all by anyone .. i want to be forgotten and erased. to live in solitude with the company of no one save for a few dozen horses and other various animals, paints, books and music. honestly, that is all I want.

life is too much for me.
i hate feeling responsible for other's emotions.

i should've kissed you ...

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 23:11:45 GMT

i talk, but i don't hear myself.
my brain computes each word and forces them out on my tongue but the meaning is lost and the truth is vague.
i've been cursed with a certain knowledge.
figured out some wordly truths I wish I could remain ignorant to.

i'm alive but not living.
my former self is stuffed into the back of my head, chained up and supressed by my chronic fear and phobia ...what am I running from? Where is the fear spawned? I cannot find the source ... I desperatly want to find the source so at least then I'd have some validation ...

I'm so confused.
My mind had become so twisted & numb ...I want more than anything to be forgotten, to be able to fall peacefully out of existance. I am slowly realizing the truths I seek do not exist. We're all alone here.

At the same time I want to be on top of it all.
In the spotlight ... noticed ... someone's reason for waking up every day ... and I want the same ... someone to save me from this bleak gray ... and I resist when love is there ... I push it away and refuse, all because of a past I am not willing to let go and forgive. Not yet.

I hated you.
But I have forgiven you.
I haven't forgiven myself.
I am subconciously punishing myself ....
I am slowly realizing the truths I seek do not exist.
We're all alone here.

things go from simple to complicated
in a matter of sunrise to sunset.

where are you?
i'm taking baby steps to fighting back ...
the light is vague but i see it
maybe i need to stop grasping for a hand to hold and find my own footing for a while ...
...maybe.

lonely and out of place

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 13:46:49 GMT

I've no idea who I am anymore.
Nor where I am and what I am doing.
It's been this way for a while -- but the bottom has fallen out.

I shouldn't complain... I have alot of love around me.
I am just so out of touch with it all ---
and the things I know could cure me -- are so far away [distance]...
or things that will never again [probably] be in my life.

I've no motivation for life anymore.
Where I am, it's nice and comfortable, but not where I feel "right".
Those I surround myself with are good and loyal, but not the cure to the hole in my heart.

I know you're out there.
Somewhere out there.
Please find me.

I feel out of touch with God ... and that scares me the most.
So where do I go?
My family thinks I belong in a hospital...
My friends are upset because their efforts and company are fruitless .. they're "worried".
I'm hurting myself and everyone around me .. and I just cannot find it in myself to seek the help I "need".

I don't want to hurt anyone anymore ...
ultimately I want to lock myself away from everyone and everything and be forgotten.
Unrealistic.

My thoughts are fragmented .. my actions are misguided.
My intentions are blurry and without foundation.
I'm losing it.

I need Carrie.
I need Zack .. I need Casey .. I need my "family" that once was my soul reason for existance.
My heart is constantly aching for things I cannot even name ... my light is fading.
And I just watch. I spend half my days now sleeping away time .. only getting up for work or a class or two.
Somehow I manage to mask my devastated being for a few hours at a time -- but even that is a weak act that is starting to become steadily more obvious ... I don't know what to do -- I don't know how to save myself. I just want out.

if you hate the taste of wine ...

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 01:39:27 GMT

I love to write. I don't think I've ever shared that with anyone. It's therapy and it gives me focus and clarity. I use it for therapy, and it really has always been a career consideration of mine -- the only problem is my writing lacks organization or elegance. I cannot always articulate exactly what I want to portray so I ramble on and on, piecing together incongruent thoughts, hoping it somehow comes together as a whole idea that paints the truth I was searching for. I blame this on my tangled mind. My thoughts can never be laid out, side by side, for me to examine individually -- they all pile on top of one another and break into pieces. I may be able to pull out on tangible notion -- but I have to set it aside and dig for the rest of it, and during the shuffle it somehow ends up back in the mess. It's a losing battle -- but for some reason the challenge is a thrill for me.
I'd love to develop into a great author or journalist, or even a poet. Poetry seems like something I could conquer, only because it is brief and focuses on one central idea, obscured by meter and metaphore.

I have really been considering pursuing this as a major but I get discouraged when I remember the likelihood of my ever reaching a level where I can interpret emotion and nature for a distinguished audience.

So I pushed this aside and revisted the idea of focusing on art. I miss painting and drawing so much. I really have been craving a blank easle and paints for a long time now -- but then I remembered the likelihood of ever making a career or living off of painting -- and I know my inability to multi-task on things I am passionate about, would never permit me to keep painting as "just a side hobby". I can't handle that ...I really am an "all-or-nothing" type. I also remembered how much my demand for perfectionism hendered my artistic process. It takes me entirely too long to complete any one project because I won't accept anything sub-par from myself ... so anything that comes out below standards I've set, ends up thrown aside ... this is something I cannot help so there really is no point in teasing myself into thinking I could ever be an artist as I would have it.

So I'm left in the middle of gray again. I know I've got some great creative abilities that I have been smoothering and blacking-out, replacing them with other's ideas and and allowing myself to be influenced by all the wrong sources. And I can only describe my state as "gray". I'm stuck at a critical point where I feel I will combust if I don't DO something with myself -- I have no direction anymore -- all of my interests are fading and things I once held alot of passion for are becoming dull and cumbersome. Truth be told -- I don't think I was ever really passionate about some of the things I told myself I was. I was just hoping they'd be my ticket out of here and into the center of action and recognition.

I feel like Alice in that one scene from Alice in Wonderland when she is stading on that path in the woods and then along comes the dog with a broom for a nose, and he is sweeping away the path behind her- when he reaches her he skips around the patch she is standing on and continues on sweeping away the path that was in front of her -- leaving her directionless and alone in the middle of some dark woods.

I'm doing things for all the wrong reasons.
And I've been doing all the wrong things.
I don't even have reasons -- I just DO to be doing something.
There is no goal in sight anymore and my heart aches for one thing in this world I cannot have -- and it will never be available to me. My desire for the unattainable is stronger and deadlier than ever. I can feel my light dimming and I am letting myself slip into anonymity. I want more than anything to shake this dust of lonliness that has coated my heart .. it really is weighing me down. But there is only one who can do that -- and they seem too far and out of reach ...I don't know what to do. I want to LIVE again and feel passion.

me and the moon

Wed, 27 Sep 2006 03:43:27 GMT

So here I am again, sitting alone on the windowsill of our loft; overlooking Broad Street beneath me ... there is a bum rummaging through the trash bin, a few police are strolling around the opposite side of the street, rats the size of small dogs keep darting back and forth between the gutters, a couple is walking along the sidewalk below, they just passed beneath my window ...arms around each other in that comfortable, sort of side-embrace ...I'm guessing they just ate at the 24-hr Landmark Diner a few blocks over, judging by the direction from which they came, and the styrofoam to-go box the man is carrying in his free hand. ...I'm sitting here alone again in our dark loft, self-medicating with cigarettes and appropriate tunes. I chose to stay at home for the umpteenth time again tonight, rather than go out with everyone else and pretend to enjoy myself. ... and truth be told --I'm hoping they'll stay gone just a few hours more. I just want to think, alone, in peace, a little while longer... the emptiness is nice and needed right now -- almost soothing. My mind has been everywhere and nowhere at all these past few weeks. I'm still not sure where I am. I've been trying so hard to convince myself that I am happy and where I want/need to be ... but the truth as I know it is there, a little hazy and distant -- but I know it's there, and it pulls me out of the happy facade I fake for the world ... I don't want to drag anyone down, I'm not asking for pity or sympathy ... just understanding. I want to find someone who knows what this feeling is -- understands completely -- just so I can prove I'm not insane; that I'm not alone in this state of being.

I've been looking at old photographs from the past few years-- and I've come to realize that it was those years that I am going to look back on years from now and describe them as "the best years of my life" -- I guess that's what has me so bitter: the realization that the best days are behind me now and all I've got left to do is fall into the repetitive act of adulthood -- run the rat race with the rest of mediocre society --but MY GOD I'm praying that this is not the case .... I won't stand for blending in and fading out. I'm hoping with my whole heart the best is yet to come -- that the big bang of my life is still ahead, waiting to be discovered -- and this is what keeps me going -- the hope that there is something bigger in store for me -- even if it never comes, I won't quit the search -- that is my role, I've known that all along -- I wanted a simpler task but this is what God has given me: the quest to find the deeper meaning, to never stop searching and asking. My curiosity and insatiable lust to know it all is both a gift and a curse. But I take comfort in the fact that at least I know I won't allow myself to give up -- because I can never rest until I know the final answer -- all dots connected -- but I also know this quest is impossible because there is no final answer in this world ... I won't be able to find the answers to everything my mind questions -- this is the price of getting older -- of becoming affected. Ignorance has it's appeal sometimes ... but I also get a sort of sadistic thrill out of being denied complete understanding of all things -- the chase is what I live for, and God knows I'd end if it did. I trust he knows what he is doing with me... I just have to keep pushing to find whatever it is ... I guess my pain comes from my loneliness ... I've yet to find anyone who shares this same blessed/cursed state of being I seem to possess -- that is my immediate need, I've recognized. I'll be able to live again, as I used to, when I have proof that I am not alone ... that I'm not maniacle and out of touch with reality. So pray I find someone like myself -- someone I can see myself mirrored in -- I keep thinking I've found them but they slip and I realize I was trying to fit them into this form that they clearly were not built for. I've got to stop trying so hard.

give up the things you love ....

Wed, 27 Sep 2006 02:36:01 GMT

i'll pretend like this isn't goodbye.
but we both knew, deep down, it was the beginning of the end. You'll always be my soul mate, twin, best friend and co-pilot.

there is nothing more devastating than realizing the end has come to one of the greatest bonds of your life -- nothing is more heart breaking than forcing yourself to face facts -- nothing will be as it was before.

a piece of my heart has died.
i'm not sure how im managing to
keep myself upright ...

i feel as if a star should fall -- something ...any form of universal recognition for the end of something so terribly great.

but we dont get that kind of grand finale ... we cry our tears, stash the photos, bury the memories, give one last hug -- then you pull on the mask. you smile right through the searing pain -- cover the scent of heartbreak. we cannot dare let anyone suspect we're that lonely and homesick for what once completed us.

so time pulls us forward. the months and years pass.
the wound scabs -- the scar disappears ... and maybe one day -- many years from now -- long after you've buried any notion of hope that you could reclaim what you lost, long after you've accepted that "no one said it was fair, that's life" --perhaps paths will cross again -- and for a moment, however brief, when old knowing eyes lock --time stops and rewinds back to those golden days when the bond of those two pairs of eyes was monumental ... life altering -- you both hold the stare and for a fragment of a second you each can feel a tinge of what you once shared -- the colors so vibrant and the love and sisterhood so fierce -- but then you pass by ...and it's gone...because something so great can no longer exist -- is not possible to recreate --so neither allow themselves to feel -- the memories and emotions are shoved back down and buried away in that deep dark crevasse in the heart -- as a defense mechanism, the brain obscures and blurs the memories once more ... doesn't allow the full intensity of the bond that once was to be felt --- and then it's over.

the moment is gone. whipped away before either realizes they gave up the thing they loved.

how can you prevent this?
how can you cheat the cycle of life -- the predetermined fate?
what do you believe? and what is the point? do you just avoid it all together and never let anyone get so close again? because the inevitable loss is unavoidable? i want to believe there is some hope -- some loop hole -- we're a special case .. and exception to the rule -- we have to be -- but we're divided by miles and time, we can't conquer it at all this way.

goodbye summer 2006 ... you were the best and worst 3 months of my life.

and to my one soul mate in this world: i will love you forever and i am convinced that if we hold on to something, find some other way ... we can avoid this fate ... we can resurface -- we've done it before, maybe not on such a grand scale with so many hurdles like this time -- but I won't ever let go or forget. I will find a way or die trying. I love you.

waiting to finally be caught:

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 04:39:20 GMT

friends who once felt closer to me than my own family now feel like distant, estranged, third cousins. that hurts my heart more than anything in the world... and there is nothing I can do to get them back....

...but that's life?

ha. we got bored sitting in traffic on the way to see Tom Petty ..so we had a car photoshoot:

HAHAH ok then we actually go there:

Grass Seat View:

we danced and got sweaty:

ok bye:

you've got me singin' love songs:::

Fri, 22 Sep 2006 19:09:41 GMT

loft.view.roomies.love.new.family.party:

Audio ♥:

Oreo & Audio: the pets:

my favorite roomies:

trying to study is futile when the roomies are restless:

the view from one of our many windows [SMOOTHIE KING♥]:

we have purple sanitation trucks, what do you have?:

the parties ...

haha girl pile:

the ones i miss:

randoms:

updates:
-I live above Moe's
-I am enjoying school
-I work at Hard Rock Cafe .. I love it!
-I have the cutest dog in the entire world
-I'm seeing Tom Petty tonight
-I have a c-r-u-s-h on a really nice boy
-Lindsey is moving in this weekend!
-I'm getting close to being perfectly content.

daily horoscope::

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 19:22:41 GMT

Your needs will be met when you're able to voice what they are. It's time to stop following the script that other people have written and find what you really need, want and love. Think about it.

fuck. ... what I want/need/love is so obscure to me these days. everything i want/need/love is so far away/ to hard to obtain.

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 15:38:53 GMT

Good things:

-love my apartment
-love my roomie
-LOVE my new college/campus
-love the new people i've been meeting
-love Smoothie King being right outside my door
-we dont need cable because people watching out of our window[s] is just as entertaining.
-i'm going to NYC again this month.

Bad things:

-lost my job at compound
-HOPE didn't transfer so I had to reapply
-GSU's information system is shit.
-still no internet at the APT.
-my nose is killing me and I need surgery ASAP.
-I have a speeding ticket to pay and no job to speak of.
-I have no books for class yet.
-I miss my family in Milledgeville.

Sat, 12 Aug 2006 14:46:02 GMT

I need to resurface. I'm drowning.
Everyone says things will get easier.
I'm hoping and praying.

My new place is amazing and I love it.
I cannot wait for school to start! Honestly!

i want to wake up and feel alive.

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 05:07:14 GMT

it's happening again.
i'm falling apart.

myownselfinducedpaindramashithell.

i don't want any of this.
I'd give anything to be anywhere but here ..miles and miles away. oceans preferably.
or to be invisible .. have my existence erased. have everyone forget anything they ever knew about me.
perfect. i wish.

i want out .. but i don't.
i thought i was done with these feelings .. i thought i was out.
why am i back here?

Hey, did you hear about my mistakes?

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 04:04:11 GMT

Someone tell me I'm not horrible. Am I horrible? What have I done ... I've made a big mess yet again. I just want to die down here.

Honesty is all
We make mistakes I know
And I knew something's wrong
I couldn't lead you on

oh god.... i dont want to hurt you.

And do see that I'm sorry
I didn't think that you'd
Ever want to be this close to me
And now that it's late
Please understand
That I'm not too close to what you were hoping for
I have misled you

i spoke too soon.
once again my heart was two steps in front of my head [reason/logic/selflessness].

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need
You do not need me

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 09:54:59 GMT

My Pop Pop is in the hospital right now trying to fight off cancer.
My Dad has driven up to Maryland to stay with my Nana while he is in treatment ... he will be gone 6 weeks.
I can't say I miss him. My Mom asked me to write a letter to my Pop Pop to let him know how my summer has been ...something to entertain him. My letter ended up being a paragraph of lies -- I couldn't very well write him 3 pages of what a shit storm this summer has been. The truth would've been despairing and bitter -- so I made up some bullshit about how my career is taking off and that I'm moving to London-- starting my own business in the meantime. Ha.

what do you want?

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 19:16:00 GMT

What I am and what I want to be are two very different things.
Where I am and where I want to be ... same story.

I want to be someone who inspires.
I want to be a poet who writes beautifully tragic poems that speak to the souls of those like minded youths who know they live in a world that holds nothing for them. I want to write clear, perfect memoirs that describe that feeling buried deep in each of us that no one can explain or put into words. I suppose what I want is to save others everywhere from this feeling of lonely despair. So they know, there are other misfit souls out here, taking life day by day, praying for a break or some form of recognition. I kind of envy ignorant bliss. What this world has become, it's too much for me. I've tried to compensate ... the only place I've found refuge is in my friends. God bless them and their love, for saving me and giving me something to live for.

I want to revisit painting and drawing. I miss that outlet of expression.
I feel like I abandoned my true self somewhere along the line and slowly let bits of me go, traded in for hobbies that didn't require me to acknowledge anything relevant or thoughtful. Hobbies that numbed me to my heart and conscience so I didn't have to think or face any real problems.

I lost all motivation because nothing seems important anymore.
I suppose I've been living for instant gratification, just living on little thrills to get me from one day to the next -- and that is where the problem lies.

I'm done with that way of life. From now on everything I do is going to have purpose and point. Everything will contribute a piece of the puzzle to the big picture. Details. I pray I can handle it.

I stopped searching for the deeper meaning a while ago.
I stopped asking my questions because the answers were always ones I didn't want.
Well I'm starting again -- someone has to figure it out. I might die trying but maybe that will bring us one step closer.

What has happened to this era? Why is our generation so misguided? I swear the devil is running rampant. Nothing else can explain these inexplicable events.. bad things happening to good people. It must be.